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National

Study: Fetuses’ Chakras Visible On Ultrasound At 10 Weeks

June 10, 2017 Jasmine Don 0

BALTIMORE — A recent Johns Hopkins University study concluded that prenatal ultrasounds can detect fetuses’ chakras as early as ten weeks into pregnancy. “Our findings […]

Alex Jones Announces “InfoWars: On Ice!”

June 10, 2017 Brian McReynolds 0

NEW YORK — Well-known performance artist Alex Jones announced today that he will be taking his conspiracy peddling radio show to Madison Square Garden with […]

Area Douchebag Reminds Trump “Pulling Out” Least Reliable Method

June 1, 2017 Nathan Glovinsky 0

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the wake of President Donald Trump’s decision to withdraw the United States from the Paris Climate Accords, area douchebag Chad Finberry […]

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“Live, Laugh, Love” Poster On Girl’s Wall Tells You All You Need To Know

May 21, 2017 Peter Carman 0

WESTWOOD–Sources have reported that the “Live, Laugh, Love” poster hanging on the wall of local 20-year-old Lindsey Matthews tells you pretty much all you need […]

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Kid With Big Dreams Moves To The Big City

April 30, 2017 Kushal Chatterjee 0

BIG CITY, BIG STATE—Citing his desire to make something great out of himself, Stan Levinson, a nobody from an aw, shucks folksy ‘burb in the […]

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Study: Your Dad Was Right

April 30, 2017 Kushal Chatterjee 0

BERKELEY, CA—Scientists at UC Berkeley have just confirmed that, despite what you may have thought and still think, your dad was right. You can argue […]

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Study: Nothing Better Than Just Kickin’ It With The Boys

March 5, 2017 Brian McReynolds 0

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—A study conducted by researchers at the University of Virginia concluded that nothing beats just hanging out and having a good time with the […]

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Study: Legalized Dueling Would Cause Significant Reduction Of Stupid Population

March 5, 2017 Kushal Chatterjee 0

CHICAGO, IL—Scientists at the University of Chicago have concluded a two-year long study that proves legalized dueling would be a highly effective method of reducing […]

Gary Johnson Announces He Running For President In 2018

March 5, 2017 Brian McReynolds 0

ALBUQUERQUE—Former Governor of New Mexico Gary Johnson revealed today that he intends to run for president in 2018. “After a lot of thinking, it is […]

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Heartwarming: This Constituent Donated His Balls To Paul Ryan

March 5, 2017 Jack Lyons 0

With President Trump in the White House and the country increasingly divided, here’s some heartwarming political news we can all feel good about: one of […]

Posts pagination

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  • Math Professor Doesn’t Know That Half Of Ten Weeks Is Five Weeks

    WESTWOOD — This week, local math professor Dr. Ivil has come under fire after scheduling a midterm for Week 4, a week that is definitively […]

  • Stolen Goods Stolen From Place With Exclusively Stolen Goods

    PARIS — Parisian police officers were stunned to discover this weekend that priceless jewels were stolen from the Louvre, a place that exclusively houses priceless […]

  • BPlate Announces Collab With McDonald’s To Ensure Froyo Machine Breaks More Often

    WESTWOOD – In a surprise new development, BPlate has announced a partnership with the fast food chain McDonald’s to ensure that the froyo machine remains […]

  • Government Shutdown Finally Hits Canvas

    WESTWOOD — Students everywhere awoke this morning to the modern equivalent of snow outside their windows: Canvas has been shut down due to bipartisan gridlock. […]

  • Opinion: If You A Stressed Baddie Who Procrastinated Before Canvas Went Down, This One’s For You

Featured Authors

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Georgia McNeill
  • Antisemitism Is Over! Trump Administration Cuts Funding From Cancer Research
  • Top Four Ways To Come Out To Your Family So They Can’t Say No
  • Opinion: No, I Will Not Pie You On Bruinwalk, Please Don’t Involve Me In Your Fetishes
Sam Rusk
  • Top 5 UCLA Study Spots If You Don’t Need Outlets, Wifi, Tables or Chairs
  • Ashe Center To Offer Gender Affirming Computer Science Degrees
  • Local Centaur Divided Hot Dog Style

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