Bruin Statue Gives Birth To Twin Cub Sculptures
WESTWOOD — In an exciting development that has captured the hearts of the entire student body, the faculty at UCLA have confirmed the birth of […]
Campus
Spring Sing Showdown To Be Held At Rose Bowl
WESTWOOD – In response to continuing demand for Spring Sing tickets, the UCLA Central Ticketing Office (CTO) has announced a special competition—for those who could not […]
Pauley Pavilion to Be Converted Into Sexile Refugee Camp
WESTWOOD – In response to a sudden increase in sexual activity in campus-owned housing, UCLA has announced its decision to convert Pauley Pavilion into a […]
Goth Club To Host Gothic Holi
WESTWOOD—After reportedly “feeling left out” during the festivities that took place at the Sunset Rec center this past weekend, members of UCLA’s goth club have […]
Bruin Plate Overpopulation To Be Solved Via One-Child Policy
WESTWOOD, CA – The Undergraduate Population Control Board (UPCB) enacted a strict one-child policy Saturday in an attempt to quell the burgeoning overpopulation issue plaguing […]
Satan Buys Out Westwood Enabler
WESTWOOD – In a press conference today, The Westwood Enabler announced that Satan has acquired the student-run paper. The paper, looking for funds, held an […]
Student In Powell Library “Totally Happy” To Watch Stranger’s Stuff
WESTWOOD—Third year biology major Margaret Small confirmed that she is totally happy, in fact “practically leaping out of her seat” at the prospect of having […]
God Sends Only Son To Defuse Situation On Bruinwalk
WESTWOOD—After being alerted to an alarming spell of hate speech taking place outside of Kerckhoff hall today, Our Lord God, Divine Creator of the Universe […]
Student Discovers Parents Have Been Paying Friends to Attend Birthday Parties
BRENTWOOD—In a shocking turn of events, student Dominic Downer discovered that his parents really had been paying his friends to attend his birthday parties for […]
UCLA To Begin Accepting Students From Delaware
WESTWOOD—In a statement released by the Office of Admissions, UCLA has announced today that it will, for the first time in the school’s nearly century-long […]