TERF Celebrates Womanhood By Taking Period Dump
LONDON — Transphobic, self-proclaimed feminist Flatulence F. Fanny gave a speech at a rally Thursday, in which she tied her female identity to pooping on […]
Culture
POC Ally Alert! White Man Only Dates Asian Women
SAN DIEGO — Marginalized communities across the nation praised white man Evan Schmidt this Wednesday for his radical choice to exclusively date Asian women. “I’ve […]
Religious Scholars Discover Jesus Had a Balayage
VATICAN CITY — On Monday morning, the world’s leading religious scholars announced that Jesus actually had a balayage, contrary to their earlier reports that he […]
Pinocchio Discovers Real World, No Longer Wants To Be Real Boy
TUSCANY — Pinocchio, despite his lifelong wish to become a real boy, has announced he rescinds his statement and would like to become a wooden […]
Opinion: How Can I Help The Homeless If They Don’t Have Venmo?
Yesterday, I was walking back to campus after enjoying a delicious $15 salad at Tendergreens when a homeless man looked right into my eyes and […]
Diversity Gone Mad: Blue Man Group Brings On White Guy
LAS VEGAS— After 35 years of an all-blue cast, the Blue Man Group has decided to unveil their first white member, Brian. “I’m excited to […]
Touring High Schooler Looks Like A Better Fit For Berkeley
WESTWOOD — A high school student touring the UCLA campus looks like they would be a better fit for second-rate UC Berkeley. “Usually when I’m […]
Oh No! The Girl You Like Is An Active GroupMe Participant
WESTWOOD — Third-year Calvin Brown was disheartened upon joining his class GroupMe and seeing more than ten messages from his crush Emily Lee. “You really […]
Report! Stonehenge Only Epic Thing White People Have Ever Done
UNITED KINGDOM — A new report out of Exeter University claims to have proven that Stonehenge is the only epic thing to ever be done […]
Hottest Spot For Grad Photos Is Sidewalk Pit Outside Of CVS
WESTWOOD — UCLA seniors are taking their grad photos at the hottest spot in town: the sidewalk pit outside of CVS. “In some ways, it’s […]