FREMONT, CA—For the fourth consecutive year in a row, self-proclaimed scientist and uncle to five Joey Burke announced at a Thanksgiving dinner turned research seminar that the U.S.’s undocumented immigrant population is taking all of the country’s high-paying jobs and benefits. “According to my research, immigrants sneaking through the country’s back door directly seize good job opportunities from honest, hard-working Americans,” said Burke, who is half-Irish and half-Italian. “Millions of American citizens are unemployed, and there are also millions of illegal immigrants working in the U.S. Coincidence? No, this proves my theory. It must.” Burke’s colleagues have praised his progressive study for using snippets of radio talk shows and Fox News as evidence and forgoing the use of statistics altogether.