Johnstown, PA–In the early hours of Christmas morning, Santa Claus helped president-elect Donald J. Trump deliver on his campaign promise to reinvigorate the rust belt’s coal industry by filling his voters’ stockings with coal. “Santa is a good friend of mine. Terrific man, I’ve known him for many years,” said Trump in a Christmas address posted to his personal Twitter account, surrounded by Rockettes scantily-clad in Santa costumes. “I know coal better than anyone, and believe me, Santa has the best coal. That’s why my supporters and I have spent a year and a half saying and doing all of these naughty things. The Democrats are sad because they don’t know how to get coal for Christmas. Pathetic!” At press time, news and media outlets were attempting to explain to Trump’s voters that, like many of his campaign promises, Santa Claus was a mere fantasy.
About Jack Lyons 68 Articles
Area Man. Freelance fraternity president. Aspiring father of two. Probable future Nobel laureate. Occasionally collude with Russia.