Have you heard about how hot girls have IBS? How all the hottest girls are on a low FODMAP diet and can’t look at a glass of milk without sharting themselves like Maya Rudolph in Bridesmaids?
Coastal America, it is time to look up from your phone and take in the splattered wall behind your toilet. IBS is not hot! Diarrhea is actually super gross.
Just imagine you’re sitting in your crush’s room when the butterflies in your stomach turn to a violent churning. Tick tock! You’re starting to sweat. You’re turning gray! If you don’t find a toilet in the next minute, you will become the punchline in a Reddit thread.
Your crush asks you what’s wrong. You can’t answer. Your only choice is to flee the room. Will you run to the bathroom and pray that the fan is loud enough to preserve a shred of your dignity? Or will you run out the door, nurturing foolish hopes that your farts will give you the speed boost you need to make it home?
Really inhabit this completely fictional scenario. It’s for science. Do you feel hot? Or are you wishing you would have a terminal stroke if not for your awareness that if you unclench your abdominal muscles to die, you’ll shit yourself for sure and it’ll be totally embarrassing from beyond the mortal plane?
Yeah, that’s what I thought. Go see a gastroenterologist.