WASHINGTON, DC — Following his positive COVID-19 diagnosis, Rudy Giuliani has reportedly checked himself into Walter Reed Hardware Store, a small building supply company located in a strip mall just outside of Washington, DC. “Mr. Giuliani is in good spirits, having begun an IV regimen of radiator fluid and antifreeze,” said a spokesperson for the attorney, viciously hissing at any customers who happened to come within fifteen feet of him. “Anyone looking to contact Mr. Giuliani can find him stumbling half-naked through the power tool aisle in a hospital gown. Anyone looking for great deals on ceiling fans and parts can swing by Walter Reed Hardware for the Bi-Annual Holiday Extravaganza Super Sale, located just off Route 495 next to Larry’s Pleasure Palace.” At press time, Giuliani defended his choice of medical care as far superior to the alternatives, Ronald Reagan Massage Parlor and Johns Hopkins Auto Body.
