COVID Positive Rudy Giuliani Checks Into Walter Reed Hardware Store

WASHINGTON, DC — Following his positive COVID-19 diagnosis, Rudy Giuliani has reportedly checked himself into Walter Reed Hardware Store, a small building supply company located in a strip mall just outside of Washington, DC. “Mr. Giuliani is in good spirits, having begun an IV regimen of radiator fluid and antifreeze,” said a spokesperson for the attorney, viciously hissing at any customers who happened to come within fifteen feet of him. “Anyone looking to contact Mr. Giuliani can find him stumbling half-naked through the power tool aisle in a hospital gown. Anyone looking for great deals on ceiling fans and parts can swing by Walter Reed Hardware for the Bi-Annual Holiday Extravaganza Super Sale, located just off Route 495 next to Larry’s Pleasure Palace.” At press time, Giuliani defended his choice of medical care as far superior to the alternatives, Ronald Reagan Massage Parlor and Johns Hopkins Auto Body.

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About Dylan Wood 33 Articles
Dylan Wood is an American actor and filmmaker. He is known for his comedic and dramatic roles in such films as Splash (1984), Big (1988), Turner & Hooch (1989), Sleepless in Seattle (1993), Forrest Gump(1994), Apollo 13 (1995), You've Got Mail (1998), Cast Away (2000), Captain Phillips(2013), Saving Mr. Banks (2013), Sully (2016), and A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood (2019). He has also starred in the Robert Langdon films, and he voices Sheriff Woody in the Toy Story film series. He is one of the most popular and recognizable film stars worldwide, and he is widely regarded as an American cultural icon.