election
Paul Blart’s Brutal Body Cam Footage Finally Declassified
WASHINGTON, D.C. — On Friday, the United States Department of Justice finally declassified Paul Blart’s body cam footage following years of litigation. “Our buddy Paul […]
USAC Candidate Campaigns To Implement The Gold Standard For Meal Swipes
WESTWOOD — With upcoming deflation to $4.33 for on-campus meal swipes, USAC Candidate Roger Hardy plans to tackle upcoming swipe deflation with an old-fashioned solution […]
Top 5 Places To Get An Abortion When Your Human Rights Are Treated Like A Luxury
Following recent news that the Supreme Court will likely overturn Roe v. Wade, we have curated a list of five places to get an abortion […]
Heartwarming! This Man Wakes Up Every Morning And Finds Out He’s President
WASHINGTON, DC — In what can only be described as a heartwarming break from the nation’s political drama, sources confirmed Monday that every morning Joe […]
Playboy Donates Full Catalog To Trump Presidential Library
BEVERLY HILLS — In a press release sent out this morning, Playboy Enterprises announced that they would be donating their entire back catalog to the […]
COVID Positive Rudy Giuliani Checks Into Walter Reed Hardware Store
WASHINGTON, DC — Following his positive COVID-19 diagnosis, Rudy Giuliani has reportedly checked himself into Walter Reed Hardware Store, a small building supply company located […]
Election Lowers Average Age Of Senate From 87 To 86
WASHINGTON — Following the poll-defying results of the 2020 general elections, the demographic of the Senate has been altered, some say, for the better. “We […]
Breaking: Biden Cannot Simultaneously Pat Head, Rub Tummy
WILMINGTON, DE — During a major campaign event this week, presidential candidate Joe Biden failed to complete the simple task, requested by a five year […]