WASHINGTON, DC — In an effort to boost his support among voters this past Thursday, former neurosurgeon and Republican presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson put his medical skills to use and removed his own brain.
“I found myself at a crossroads. I could either tread water and retain my current numbers, or push myself a little further to the right and attempt to seize the lead,” said Carson before the surgery. “I think what voters are tired of are these politically correct Washington insiders, and I am not a politician, nor am I ‘PC’ — I think I’ll prove that today.”
Although many have criticized Dr. Carson’s lack of political experience, this is a quality that has resonated with a majority of his supporters. To set himself above the other unqualified GOP candidates, Dr. Carson sought to demonstrate his skills as a neurosurgeon while simultaneously proving himself to be more of a Washington outsider. Beginning at 10:45 EST at a press conference in Washington, DC, the procedure lasted 20 hours and concluded early Friday morning.
While Carson has enjoyed increased media coverage and support following the feat, many of his rivals have spoken out in criticism.
“Now I have a great deal of respect for Dr. Carson, but a real Christian would not have done that,” said Senator Ted Cruz. “To tamper with God’s creation is to tamper with God’s will, and we cannot have a heretic in the most sacred office of these United States.”
Similarly, fellow GOP candidate Carly Fiorina accused Carson of selling his brain tissue to help fund his campaign.
Carson supporters, however, have responded jubilantly to his actions: “That’s what I love about Ben — he’s not politically correct,” said Arkansas trucker Mike Hill. “Most politicians these days are corrupt liars, but not Ben. He stays true to his values, and plus, he’s a better doctor than Obama could ever hope to be. I’d feel much safer with a doctor in the White House.”
Carson’s campaign manager claimed that Carson is feeling “blissful and content,” confident that he now has all of the qualifications necessary to win the Republican nomination. His staff excitedly gave the Enabler a sneak peek of Carson’s attack plan for the next debate. “Without his brain holding him back, the sky’s the limit,” said Carson’s campaign manager Barry Bennett. “Viewers really liked his calm demeanor and eloquence in the previous debates, and he should be even more tranquil this next round.
At press time, Carson had experienced a 10-point surge in the polls, but was still behind Donald Trump, who was coasting off his recent public criticism of Carson as “black.”