Breaking! Ackerman Bathrooms Got Cleaned!
WESTWOOD — In a historic first for UCLA, Ackerman Union’s A-Level bathrooms were cleaned on Sunday in anticipation of students not returning to campus. “We […]
Articles by Gillian Smith
UCLA Dining To Accept KinzCash
WESTWOOD — Following calls from upperclassman students to make food on the Hill more accessible, UCLA Dining will now be accepting Webkinz World’s “Kinzcash” along […]
Scientists Discover Why Looking At Photos Of Gene Block Makes Your Dick Twitch
CAMBRIDGE— After several months of careful experimentation, MIT’s leading neurologists have finally identified why scrolling through Chancellor Gene Block’s Facebook makes your dick twitch. “The […]
Opinion: Dear UCLA Women’s Volleyball Team, Please Bully Me
WESTWOOD — An Open Letter to the Volleyball Team It all started when I saw you destroy the Washington Huskies last Sunday. Zoe Fleck, you […]
Rise Of Powell Cat Renders CAPS Obsolete
WESTWOOD — UCLA’s Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS) department has announced that it will be discontinuing all services indefinitely in the face of superior psychological […]
Opinion: The Pope Isn’t As Hot As My Dad
VATICAN CITY — How many times do I have to say this? Pope Francis isn’t the hottest old white guy out there! Every freaking time […]
Inclusivity Win! This Sorority Flyers to Girls With BMIs Over 22
WESTWOOD — Sigma Alpha Alpha president Ashleigh Watkyns made history Monday when she handed a Fall Rush recruitment flyer to a girl with a BMI […]
UCLA Student Arrested By FBI For Calling Mike Pence “Weeb” On Twitter
COSTA MESA, CA — A UCLA student has been taken into custody in connection to the Jan. 6 attacks on the U.S. Capitol. Christian Secor, […]
Donald Trump Permanently Banned From Pornhub Premium
MONTREAL – More than two weeks after the removal of former President Donald Trump’s accounts from several social media and streaming platforms, Pornhub has announced […]
Election Lowers Average Age Of Senate From 87 To 86
WASHINGTON — Following the poll-defying results of the 2020 general elections, the demographic of the Senate has been altered, some say, for the better. “We […]