Opinion: Dear UCLA Women’s Volleyball Team, Please Bully Me

WESTWOOD An Open Letter to the Volleyball Team

It all started when I saw you destroy the Washington Huskies last Sunday. Zoe Fleck, you slid across the floor to get a dig, and you also slid right into my heart. I then saw Francesca Alupei block a kill- the player from Washington was right up in her face and I thought, man, I wish I were that close to you guys! I didn’t know how I could get to meet you all, my heroes, but then I saw Charitie Luper hit a ball so hard it knocked a Husky right over, and I realized I could be your target practice!

I’ll come to practice any time and be the other team, or the net, or even the ball for you. You guys bullying me would honestly make my 2021 something special. The only issue is that unfortunately you all seam really nice, so I’ve come up with a few suggestions for things you could do that would hurt me while also bringing me joy.

You could ridicule my vertical, or spike me into the net, or tell me I’m only fit to play golf. Even if you point out my daddy issues, I’ll at least have an in! I don’t mind starting at the bottom of the social ladder as long as I’m touching a rung. As Gandhi once said, it’s better to be shoved into a locker by your idols than to be ignored by them altogether.

If anyone on the UCLA Women’s Volleyball Team sees this article, I am free to hang out this Thursday and Friday and also every day of the week in the mornings and also in the evenings.