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Month: December 2021

Nicki Minaj Fan Disillusioned Upon Learning Starship Delivery Bots Not Meant To Fly

December 31, 2021 Robi Chatterjee 0

WESTWOOD — Tears could be heard after avid Nicki Minaj fan Barbz “Bang Bang” Bass kicked a delivery bot down Tongva steps only to realize […]

Woke man in bed

Woke Guy Prefaces Oral Sex With Acknowledgement We Are On Indigenous Land

December 30, 2021 Tatiana Davidson 0

WESTWOOD — On Friday evening, local ‘woke’ man and third-year global studies major Jack Stoop prefaced oral sex with an acknowledgement that we are on […]

4th Year Philosophy Student Incapable Of Producing Original Thought

December 29, 2021 Ryan Wu 0

WESTWOOD — After years of studying nothing but theory, fourth year Philosophy student Mark Li had to be informed that he was incapable of producing […]

Gruntled Employee Brings In Cupcakes

December 28, 2021 Dylan Wood 0

PHOENIX— Law enforcement responded to a call this morning from the Phoenix Post Office after Joanne Baker, a gruntled former employee, brought in cupcakes. “Once […]

Good News! Ashe Appointment Available December 2022

December 27, 2021 Gabby Bromberg 0

WESTWOOD — On her fifth call to the Ashe Center, second-year Natalie Johnson was able to secure a primary care appointment for December 2022. “I’m […]

Local Woman Takes Back Night By Asking Mom If She Really Needs Second Helping

December 24, 2021 Gabby Bromberg 0

LOS ANGELES — This Christmas, Ellie Smith is taking back the night by asking her mom if she really needs that second helping. “This is […]

Heartwarming! This Man Wakes Up Every Morning And Finds Out He’s President

December 23, 2021 Brandon Wang 0

WASHINGTON, DC — In what can only be described as a heartwarming break from the nation’s political drama, sources confirmed Monday that every morning Joe […]

5’8” Men Now Listing “One Tom Holland” As Height On Tinder

December 22, 2021 Hanna Barlow 0

LOS ANGELES — Following the release of “Spiderman: No Way Home,” data scientists at Tinder report that men who are 5’8” are now changing their […]

Meeting That Could Have Been Zoom Call Could Have Been Email

December 21, 2021 Dylan Wood 0

CLAYTON, MO— For the third time this week, employees at Enterprise Rent-A-Car were dismayed to learn that they would be required to attend a meeting […]

Congress Declares Nuclear War On Climate Change

December 20, 2021 Brandon Wang 0

WASHINGTON — In an unprecedented bipartisan move, both the Senate and the House of Representatives unanimously voted Wednesday in favor of declaring nuclear war against […]

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