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Month: December 2014

Gene Block’s Year In Review 2014

December 31, 2014 Luke Moran 0

Chancellor Block had a big year this year. Let’s take a look at some of his most memorable moments of 2014!

North Korea Launches Full-Scale Metaphorical Assault On United States

December 25, 2014 Luke Moran 0

PYONGYANG—Claiming vast amounts of rhetorical power as well as the idea of a massive army, North Korean officials announced plans today to metaphorically annihilate the […]

Students Huddled In Night Powell Celebrate 3rd Consecutive Night Of Extended Laptop Battery Life

December 18, 2014 Luke Moran 0

WESTWOOD—Rejoicing in what surely must have been an act of the Almighty Lord, students in Night Powell praised his Holy Name tonight as, for the […]

Local Man’s Life Transformed By Religious Bumper Sticker

December 15, 2014 Nathan Guzik 0

LOS ANGELES—After having lived a life completely unmolested by the truth of organized religion, 43 year old lawyer Toby Gilson’s life was completely transformed last […]

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Business Student Discovers God, Exploits Him For Resources

December 14, 2014 Reed MacDonald 0

WESTWOOD—Crediting a near-death experience that brought him into the arms of the Almighty, Anderson School of Business student James Gunn announced new plans to tap […]

4 Students Found Dead In Deep Recesses of Library Stacks

December 11, 2014 Nathan Guzik 0

WESTWOOD—In what began as a potential footnote on an extra credit paper for the course HIST151P, History of Scottish Paedophilia, 3rd year Communications major Lou […]

Parkour Club Submits Request To Move Buildings Closer Together

December 11, 2014 Luke Moran 0

WESTWOOD—Noting the present difficulty in performing cross-building vaults, badass flips, roof-to-roof diving rolls and miscellaneous leaps, UCLA’s parkour club submitted a petition today demanding that […]

Research Indicates That Cute Girl From Class Will Notice You, Eventually

December 10, 2014 Jessica Waite 0

WESTWOOD—Researchers from the Relationship Institute at UCLA have recently discovered empirical proof that that cute girl from class will notice you, eventually. “It’s amazing. What […]

Man Probably Going To Gym Tomorrow

December 10, 2014 Kushal Chatterjee 0

WESTWOOD, CA—Area man Robert Lophis, an average student with an average body, was recently heard saying that he would go to the gym tomorrow. Those […]

Humility 1A Has 2% Passing Rate; Professor Calls It ‘The Point’

December 9, 2014 Reed MacDonald 0

WESTWOOD—For the past three years, students have been walking out of a classroom in Bunche Hall in stunned silence, feeling degraded, vulnerable, and humiliated. The […]

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