Research Indicates That Cute Girl From Class Will Notice You, Eventually

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WESTWOOD—Researchers from the Relationship Institute at UCLA have recently discovered empirical proof that that cute girl from class will notice you, eventually.

“It’s amazing. What we’ve discovered is that just sitting there and shyly avoiding the object of your affections may be the most effective way to gain their attention,” stated Dr. Chris Prötter, lead psychologist in UCLA’s Department of Psychology. “It doesn’t matter if you always sit three rows behind her and she doesn’t know you exist. One day, she’s gonna drop her pencil and you’re going to pick it up for her and she’s going to fall in love with you and realize just how great of a guy you are. Trust me.”

The results of the paper indicate that hoping desperately that your crush will make the first move is the most effective way to get married to that person. Senior lab assistant and PhD candidate Julie Steinberg, who studied three Chemistry 14A lectures of the course of this fall quarter, told the Enabler that the method is foolproof.

“The real beauty of the study is that it works across gender identities and sexualities,” said Steinberg. “I watched so many kids in chem lecture just sit and stare and swoon at people they clearly wanted to marry, and 87% of the time, the person returned eye contact. Clearly, this is the first step in creating the societal marriage bond.”

“There is absolutely no need to ever approach the person,” explained Prötter, “because in almost all cases, the person will approach you. And besides, why would you go first? That could be, like, so totally embarrassing. Just wait – you’re almost guaranteed eye contact or a smile, and our research indicates that all marriages involve these events at least once. No risk, all the rewards.”

With the correlation between eye contact and marriage proving the researcher’s research, Prötter plans to present his findings at the spring Undergraduate Research Poster Fair. Prötter expressed to the Enabler that he is always looking for more students to get involved with his research. To find out more, visit the UCLA Department of Psychology’s website.

“If I can get Sandy from English 10B to notice me, then so can you,” concluded Prötter.