North Korea Launches Full-Scale Metaphorical Assault On United States

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Never before have North Korea's missiles been described in such detail.
Never before have North Korea’s missiles been described in such detail.

PYONGYANG—Claiming vast amounts of rhetorical power as well as the idea of a massive army, North Korean officials announced plans today to metaphorically annihilate the entire western seaboard of the United States in a statement released to several major media outlets. The revelation comes in the midst of Sony’s decision to move forward on a limited release of controversial film “The Interview”.

“The American pigs will soon know what it feels like to have all of California wiped clean off the map, provided their imaginations are good enough,” said a spokesperson for Kim Jong Un, standing before a symbol of North Korean might. “Our blades of truth will cut away their lies. Our glorious rockets will shoot straight through the heart of every pig who dares dance upon the graves of our fallen national heros.”

Initial reports go on to mention the idea of ships stockpiling ballistic missiles and factories churning out the concept of a plane by the thousands. The assault is purported to be the first in many waves of rhetorical attacks aimed at weakening the US military and crippling a metaphor for the American economy.

In response, President Obama has declared a state of emergency across seven states near the Pacific coast, warning citizens to stay realistic and keep an eye out for any vivid imagery of rockets.

“Although North Korea has made some hyperbolic statements in the past, never we have seen rhetoric at such a scale,” said Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel. “My hope is that we can come to an agreement very soon, either through increased cyber warfare, or good old actual violence.”

At press time, critics are calling the offending film “ok at best.”