WESTWOOD—In what began as a potential footnote on an extra credit paper for the course HIST151P, History of Scottish Paedophilia, 3rd year Communications major Lou Kim made a discovery which nearly outweighed the gravitas of the paper: the bodies of four UCLA students, ages 18-20, and one janitor, age unimportant, were discovered entombed deep within the towers of old library books, monographs, and other such forgotten monuments to the printed word.
“I knew there was something down there, the smell was definitely beginning to fester. But it wasn’t in the adult contemporary or teen romance section so no one even noticed it, save for the staff and the hordes of transients who make their beds amongst the periodicals section. Still, this isn’t the first literature-related fatality.
Seven years ago there was a showdown between an international student and a homeless man we called Sherlock Holmeless, in that he also injected cocaine and was the source of many mysteries. He had somehow spooked the student by having a mild psychotic episode within her personal space. Sadly the homeless man was bludgeoned to death with a hello kitty lunchbox. “They should really call it the Dewey Death-mal System!” said 20 year veteran librarian Wanda Lithgauen, who, after making her statement, was swiftly terminated.
The effect this revelation has had on the student body is all too palpable. “We definitely won’t be heading down there anytime soon,” said 2nd year Organic Philosophy major Brent Spineson told the Enabler. “We didn’t even know they had books! We thought library was the Latin word for computer lab. But now that we know the truth, you better believe we won’t be trying to read anything that isn’t copy/paste-able.”
An iCandlelight-app vigil will be held for the fallen students this Saturday at Phi Beta Sigma, where “hot girls drink free”.
There has also been an effort to raise funds for the janitor who perished along with the students. In that only roughly $24 was donated, a hat was passed around the UCLA employment board conference in the hopes of raising additional donations. Because of that generosity, the janitors family will be awarded a $24 check and a used hat this Thursday.