Business Student Discovers God, Exploits Him For Resources

Gunn plans on maximizing God’s profits, as well as his own, by outsourcing human production to China.

WESTWOOD—Crediting a near-death experience that brought him into the arms of the Almighty, Anderson School of Business student James Gunn announced new plans to tap into some of the unexplored economic potential of the spiritual world. “There are millions of people dying every day, so I’m sure the angels could use some more help. I know a firm that could do a million judgements per day, at half the cost of whatever those angels charge. If I could get a portion of whatever God saves on that, I’d have enough money to literally live forever,” Gunn said. “Also, there hasn’t been a prophet for hundreds of years, so the market is ripe for a good one. A great prophet could mean a great profit, if you know what I mean.” Though there hasn’t been a response from God about the possible merger, market analysts are on watch.