Welcoming Our New Vice Chancellor Of Buttfuck Nothing
Dear Bruin Community: It is with pleasure that I inform you that Hankk Smiggly will be joining the UCLA team as our new Executive Vice […]
Politics
COVID Positive Rudy Giuliani Checks Into Walter Reed Hardware Store
WASHINGTON, DC — Following his positive COVID-19 diagnosis, Rudy Giuliani has reportedly checked himself into Walter Reed Hardware Store, a small building supply company located […]
Obituary: The Fly That Landed On Pence’s Head
“The brightest stars burn the shortest, and also flies just don’t live that long” – UC Davis entomologist, Steve Nadler. 2020 takes another. The fly […]
Candidates Debate Fracking, Vow To Inject Chemicals Into Voters’ Bloodstreams
NASHVILLE — Amid contentious debate over the dangers of hydraulic fracturing, or “fracking,” both presidential candidates have endorsed a plan to inject carcinogens directly into […]
Trump Instructs Stimulus Package To Stand Back And Stand By
WASHINGTON — In a press conference on Tuesday, President Donald Trump instructed the proposed stimulus package– which would provide financial support to the nation in […]
New York Times Endorses Festering Corpse Of George McGovern For President
NEW YORK — The New York Times editorial board made the unexpected choice Sunday to endorse George McGovern, failed 1972 presidential candidate and rotting corpse, […]
Dick Cheney Finds Unlikely Success as TikTok Star
CASPER, WY — Former Vice President Dick Cheney created an account on TikTok last week and credited Donald Trump as the inspiration behind his decision […]
Trump Denies Collusion, Claims To Be Ukrainian President
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump appears to be firing back after being thoroughly criticized for his conversation with Volodymyr Zelensky, the Ukrainian president. “Witch […]
Richter Scale Objectifies Earthquakes, Claims California Advocacy Group
SAN FRANCISCO — Following a slew of recent earthquakes, a Bay Area advocacy group demanded the use of the Richter scale be discontinued due to […]
Beto O’Rourke Legally Changes Middle Name To “Kickflip”
EL PASO, TEXAS — In an impromptu press conference held in a Whataburger restaurant yesterday morning, presidential candidate Beto O’Rourke announced that he had legally […]