NASHVILLE — Amid contentious debate over the dangers of hydraulic fracturing, or “fracking,” both presidential candidates have endorsed a plan to inject carcinogens directly into the bloodstream of the American population. “We know many of you are worried about the potentially life-threatening effects of fracking, ranging from earthquakes to chemicals in your drinking water. As president, I promise to ease your fears by just getting it over with and giving you cancer directly,” said Joe Biden, before being cut off by President Trump. “People come up to me and they say, ‘sir, we have concerns about the safety of fracking, please do something.’ Look, if you’re that upset about it, just move to a different state, one where your faucets don’t catch fire on a daily basis.” In a follow-up segment, both candidates declined to endorse the Green New Deal, instead submitting their proposals to supply free water wings to all Americans living in coastal cities.
