Candidates Debate Fracking, Vow To Inject Chemicals Into Voters’ Bloodstreams

NASHVILLE — Amid contentious debate over the dangers of hydraulic fracturing, or “fracking,” both presidential candidates have endorsed a plan to inject carcinogens directly into the bloodstream of the American population. “We know many of you are worried about the potentially life-threatening effects of fracking, ranging from earthquakes to chemicals in your drinking water. As president, I promise to ease your fears by just getting it over with and giving you cancer directly,” said Joe Biden, before being cut off by President Trump. “People come up to me and they say, ‘sir, we have concerns about the safety of fracking, please do something.’ Look, if you’re that upset about it, just move to a different state, one where your faucets don’t catch fire on a daily basis.” In a follow-up segment, both candidates declined to endorse the Green New Deal, instead submitting their proposals to supply free water wings to all Americans living in coastal cities.

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About Dylan Wood 26 Articles
Dylan Wood is an American actor and filmmaker. He is known for his comedic and dramatic roles in such films as Splash (1984), Big (1988), Turner & Hooch (1989), Sleepless in Seattle (1993), Forrest Gump(1994), Apollo 13 (1995), You've Got Mail (1998), Cast Away (2000), Captain Phillips(2013), Saving Mr. Banks (2013), Sully (2016), and A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood (2019). He has also starred in the Robert Langdon films, and he voices Sheriff Woody in the Toy Story film series. He is one of the most popular and recognizable film stars worldwide, and he is widely regarded as an American cultural icon.