Woman Unpleasant To Talk To Even After She’s Had Her Coffee
LOS ANGELES — Linda Caprice, a 43-year-old mother of two and proud owner of a “Don’t Talk To Me Until I’ve Had My Coffee” mug, […]
Student Caught Taking Banana Out Of BPlate Fatally Shot
WESTWOOD — Following changes in UCLA dining policy, second-year physiological science major Hannah Dunham was fatally shot Tuesday after being caught smuggling a banana out […]
I Lived It: Guy I Told My Friends About Has Only One Instagram Post From 2018
It seemed too good to be true. And I was right. After two dates, the guy from that meet-cute dream encounter gave me his Instagram […]
Icebreaker Questions Cause Melting Of Polar Ice Caps
ANTARCTICA — Scientists announced today that the polar ice caps have completely disappeared in the wake of years of icebreaker questions. “Carbon dioxide emissions cannot […]
BREAKING: Vegas Is Ready For Your Girls’ Trip
NEVADA – In a statement released Friday afternoon, the city of Las Vegas affirmed that it is, in fact, ready for your girls’ trip. “I’m […]
Kafkaesque? This Man Just Turned Into A Giant Bug
PRAGUE — In an event some are calling “Kafkaesque,” businessman Greg Sammsa woke up this morning and found himself transformed into a giant insect. “This […]
Pledge Comes Clean: ‘Hazing Made Me A Better Person’
WESTWOOD — While some may join a fraternity for camaraderie, school spirit, or alcohol, first-year Business Economics major Chad Sookmidic has disclosed that hazing is […]
Boelter Scientists Announce Creation Of Slowest Elevator Possible
WESTWOOD — During a press conference late Thursday evening, a team of scientists from Boelter Hall announced that they had created the slowest elevator possible. […]
Computer Science Major Takes First Date To Apple Genius Bar
APPLE STORE — Fourth-year English major Emma Woodhouse was surprised last week when her first date with a Computer Science major was at Apple’s Genius […]
Single Friend Diagnosed With Chronic Unlikability
LOS ANGELES — After twenty-one years of spending Valentine’s Day alone, your single friend received a medical diagnosis of Chronic Unlikability syndroMe (CUM) during his […]