USAC Profit Scandals Exposed By Daily Bruin For Profit
WESTWOOD—Documents leaked Tuesday have revealed that the Daily Bruin may be profiting off of scandals involving the illegal sale of drugs and alcohol to finance […]
Hillary Clinton Announces Plan To Move Back Into Old House Following 16-Year Pest Infestation
WASHINGTON—In a two-minute video featuring blue-collar workers feigning labor, an array of ethnically diverse families, and at least one gay couple holding hands, former First […]
Rick Astley: ‘Never Gonna Give You Up, Never Gonna Let You Down’
LONDON—It’s evening and Rick Astley stands along a section of waterfront in a nameless side street in West London. He sports a pale tan trenchcoat […]
POINT: You’re All Scientists! / COUNTERPOINT: Don’t Fucking Lie To These People
Point You’re All Scientists! By: Professor Deborah DeBousse, UCLA Biology Come on now, class. Think back about your past few days. What did you notice? […]
South Campus Runs Military Training Exercises Near North Campus Border
WESTWOOD—Declaring that South Campus is the only true campus, members of the South Campus Confederation ran military training exercises near the North Campus border on […]
Local School’s Social Hierarchy in Shambles After Musical Auditions
ALBUQUERQUE—Students at a local high school burst into song as a form of protest Tuesday when it was revealed that the school’s basketball captain sang […]
Report: Muscle Just Fat Pushed Together A Lot
SEATTLE—A recent study released by the Institute of Molecular Sciences at the University of Washington has conclusively proved that muscle is formed by the pushing […]
Chancellor Officially Announces Campus Theme As ‘Bricks’
WESTWOOD—Drawing intrigue on the part of staff and students alike, Chancellor Gene Block officially announced UCLA’s new theme for the 2015-2016 school year as ‘Bricks’. […]
U.S. Ranks 39th in Education, 1st in Kicking Ass
WASHINGTON—The U.S. is declining in several metrics of social progress, found a Pew Research Study, but is still number 1 in annihilating ass. According to […]
Man Afraid Of Mispronouncing Dinner Order Gets Bread, Side Of Meatballs
PORTLAND, OR — Afraid of butchering the pronunciation of his dinner order and making a fool of himself in front of friends, fellow diners, and […]