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Prospective Student Waits For Dad To Stop Eye-Banging Cheerleaders At Bruin Transfer Day

May 14, 2016 Peter Carman 0

WESTWOOD–Visiting from out of state and touring the campus on Bruin Transfer Day, prospective student John McDermot reportedly spent much of his time at UCLA […]

Despondent Bruin Republicans Plan Inflammatory Events Just To Feel Something, Anything

May 10, 2016 Luke Moran 0

WESTWOOD—Bitter and desensitized by the current state of the GOP, a group of disillusioned Bruin Republicans gathered in Haines today where they pitched a series […]

Report: Area Man Has Time To Get Sick

May 9, 2016 Yuqi Ma 0

LOS ANGELES—After delaying the onset of a cold for the past month, area man Jeff Martin announced that he is now ready to fight the […]

‘Sick Kickflips’ Now Allowed In No-Skateboard Zones: UCLA Chancellor

May 8, 2016 Sierra Scott 0

WESTWOOD—UCLA Chancellor Gene Block approved a change to campus policy Friday that allows “sick kickflips” in designated “walk your wheels” zones. “Since the day our […]

Song Perfectly Captures How Local Teen Is Feeling

May 8, 2016 Jasmine Don 0

LOS ANGELES—Local high school student Danette Evans discovered a song on the radio that perfectly embodied her innermost feelings, she reported Monday. “So apparently, there’s […]

Op-Ed: An Open Letter To Honda and BMW: Sedan/SUV Crossovers Do Not Belong On Our Roads

May 8, 2016 Carol Mulligan 0

Alright Honda and BMW; you win. You have annihilated me with your demonic morphage of Sedan and SUV that I have seen clobbering gracelessly down […]

Southern Californian White Male Doesn’t Even Surf

May 8, 2016 Matt Moldenhauer 0

DALLAS, TX— At North Dallas High School, new student Todd Anderson from Huntington Beach, CA has stirred up a lot of conversation following his first […]

Report: Not Even Michael Jackson Knew Words To “Thriller”

May 8, 2016 Sierra Scott 0

LOS ANGELES—Newly released footage of Michael Jackson backstage during his 1987 Bad World Tour reveals that not even the iconic pop singer knew the words […]

Op-Ed: Humor Isn’t A Defense Mechanism, Idiot

May 8, 2016 Stan "The Man" Clarence 0

For years, comedic artists have been the victims of malicious attacks by the stale, unfunny masses who claim that we do what we do as […]

Professor Valiantly Tries To Toggle Multiple Internet Tabs

May 8, 2016 Sierra Scott 0

WESTWOOD—Students silently supported their biology professor during lecture today as she struggled to toggle multiple tabs on Internet Explorer. “So here we have a… oh […]

Posts pagination

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  • Math Professor Doesn’t Know That Half Of Ten Weeks Is Five Weeks

    WESTWOOD — This week, local math professor Dr. Ivil has come under fire after scheduling a midterm for Week 4, a week that is definitively […]

  • Stolen Goods Stolen From Place With Exclusively Stolen Goods

    PARIS — Parisian police officers were stunned to discover this weekend that priceless jewels were stolen from the Louvre, a place that exclusively houses priceless […]

  • BPlate Announces Collab With McDonald’s To Ensure Froyo Machine Breaks More Often

    WESTWOOD – In a surprise new development, BPlate has announced a partnership with the fast food chain McDonald’s to ensure that the froyo machine remains […]

  • Government Shutdown Finally Hits Canvas

    WESTWOOD — Students everywhere awoke this morning to the modern equivalent of snow outside their windows: Canvas has been shut down due to bipartisan gridlock. […]

  • Opinion: If You A Stressed Baddie Who Procrastinated Before Canvas Went Down, This One’s For You

Featured Authors

mm
Georgia McNeill
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Sam Rusk
  • Top 5 UCLA Study Spots If You Don’t Need Outlets, Wifi, Tables or Chairs
  • Ashe Center To Offer Gender Affirming Computer Science Degrees
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