Saint Valentine Still Not Sure How He Got Caught Up In This Whole Thing
HEAVEN — Although he was venerated by the Church for his contributions to chivalry and courtly love, Saint Valentine is not really sure what he […]
Ted Lieu Voted Sexiest Man Alive By Bruin Democrats
WESTWOOD — At the club’s most recent policy meeting, members of Bruin Democrats unanimously voted California Representative Ted Lieu the “sexiest man alive,” the group’s […]
Introducing Murry Bartow: Interim Men’s Basketball Head Coach
WESTWOOD — After firing Steve Alford earlier this year following a particularly ugly start to the season for the Bruins’ men’s basketball team, the school […]
Kerckhoff to Begin Marketing New “Adderall Blend”
WESTWOOD — In light of declining sales for their signature cold brew coffee beverage last quarter, Kerckhoff Coffee House has begun testing a marketing campaign […]
On-Campus Burlington Coat Factory to Replace John Wooden Center
WESTWOOD — In a statement made this week by Gregg Goldman, Vice Chancellor and CFO of UCLA, it was announced that the campus’s entire John […]
P: You Should Announce Your Achievements on Social Media / CP: Karen, You’re the Reason Why I’m in Group Therapy
Point: You Should Announce All Your Achievements on Social Media By Karen Paulson There’s no shame in being proud of yourself- it’s called self-esteem. What’s […]
Ralph Northam Assures Public Blackface Photo Actually Super Funny
RICHMOND, VA — After Virginia Governor Ralph Northam was accused of wearing blackface in an old yearbook photo, the embattled politician has assured an angry public that […]
Ninth Circle Of Hell Just Murphy Hall
VATICAN CITY — At a recent papal summit, Pope Francis confirmed that Murphy Hall lies within the boundaries of Hell’s most treacherous and damning circle. “You might […]
Uber Driver Trapped In Eternal Loop Around Hill
WESTWOOD — Uber driver Zvonko Christensen has reportedly been trapped in an eternal loop around the residence halls of UCLA, tirelessly navigating the winding one-way roads […]
“Californians Are So Afraid of Rain,” Says Student From State Terrified of Immigrants
WESTWOOD — After an unprecedented week of sporadic rain across Los Angeles county, first year UCLA student Dustin Foster controversially declared to his distracted roommate […]