Activist Alert! Poli Sci Major Refuses To Drink Moscow Mules
WESTWOOD — Following Russia’s invasion of Ukraine in February, UCLA’s students have found a method of protest which caters to the party scene. “Once I found […]
International
Toy Story 5 Trailer Depicts Andy’s Sex Toys Coming To Life
HOLLYWOOD — In a surprise announcement made Tuesday morning, Pixar revealed its plans for the production of Toy Story 5. “The concept is basically the […]
Weapons Of Mass Destruction Mourn Passing Of Colin Powell: “He Always Believed In Us, Even When No One Else Did”
CLOUD CUCKOO LAND — In a statement released this morning out of the realm of imagination, Saddam Hussein’s Weapons of Mass Destruction mourned the death […]
Donald Trump Permanently Banned From Pornhub Premium
MONTREAL – More than two weeks after the removal of former President Donald Trump’s accounts from several social media and streaming platforms, Pornhub has announced […]
Anthony Fauci Last Horcrux Needed To Destroy COVID-19
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases recently declared that their director, Anthony Fauci, is the last horcrux needed to kill […]
Tough Professor Considers 90% Efficacy of COVID Vaccine a B+
WESTWOOD — Dr. Andrew Krossco took a bold stance against grade inflation on Monday when he reiterated his rule that the vaccine effectiveness cutoff for […]
CDC Warns Of Rapid Influx In New Podcasts Over Coming Weeks
ATLANTA — In light of increased isolation measures, representatives from the Centers for Disease Control have issued a statement warning Americans to expect a spike […]
Trump Administration Announces New Hammer-Based Healthcare Plan
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Late last Tuesday night, reporters gathered in the crowded press briefing room to watch Vice President Mike Pence demonstrate the Trump Administration’s […]
MIT Researchers Develop Method For Teeth To Get Sunburnt
CAMBRIDGE, MA — In a scientific breakthrough, researchers at MIT have developed a mixture which, upon consumption, allows teeth to develop severe sunburns. “Why? Because […]
The Sexiest, I Mean The Smartest Youth Climate Activists
The global movement to adopt greener solutions has been led by sexy children who have fought tooth and nail to prot–I mean, intelligent. The push […]