Area Douche Identifies With TV Anti-Hero
WESTWOOD — In what onlookers have described as a “display of pure originality,” local douchebag Jake Gordonsky revealed last Friday that he totally identifies with […]
Murmurs & Rants
Buttigieg Worried He Won’t Win Enough States To Become Real Boy
SOUTH BEND, IN — Despite recent success in Iowa and New Hampshire, sources close to Pete Buttigieg claim that the Democratic hopeful is worried he […]
Local Flyerers Not Advertising, Just Hate Trees
WESTWOOD — A new student organization, the Bruin Dendrophobic Social Movement (BDSM), began flyering daily last Wednesday on Bruin Walk to promote their bold new […]
Teen “Born In The Wrong Generation” Would Have Been Totally Obliterated By Spanish Flu
BEVERLY HILLS — After watching the first half hour of The Great Gatsby, area teen KayeTee Collins declared that she was “born in the wrong […]
Op-Ed: SexyBack By Justin Timberlake Just Metaphor For Cold War
Yo, the name’s Justin Timberlake and I’m the creative genius behind the 2006 hit “SexyBack.” I’ve been called “the most talented artist of our generation,” […]
BREAKING: I Saw Mommy Kissing The Great Pumpkin
PUMPKIN PATCH — Last night was Halloween, and in my nine years alive, I had never before seen such haunting magic. At around 2 AM, […]
Op-Ed: Jimmy Carter Is Dead
Let me be the first to say it. I’m happy to be the voice for the voiceless. After many hours of contemplation and meditation on […]
Report: Facebook Event Invitations Don’t Mean Shit
WESTWOOD — Shocked to have seen literally everyone at Josh’s “exclusive” birthday party, second year biology major Sabrina Crocker has concluded that Facebook event invitations […]
Op-Ed: It Bugs Me How Wife Squeezes Toothpaste At Middle of Tube, Cheats On Me With Ten People At A Time
Nothing grinds my gears more than when I walk into the bathroom, grab my toothbrush, turn on the faucet, and pivot left to see my […]
P: Ouch! CP: Oops, Sorry
Point: Ouch! By: Beauregard Ploof Ouch! My foot! How could this be? How could you have done this?? I thought you were my friend. After […]