Op-Ed: Jimmy Carter Is Dead

Graphic by Jay Varhula

Let me be the first to say it. I’m happy to be the voice for the voiceless. After many hours of contemplation and meditation on the subject, I’ve decided that Jimmy Carter is, in my opinion, dead. Jimmy Carter may not have been the best president, but I do think he was the 32nd and served from 1945-1955. And that’s not just my opinion. Dozens of readers could agree with me as well.

Now I know that some people will leap out of their chairs and rush to their Twitters for the sole purpose of disagreeing with me. All the politically correct feminazis just itching to prove someone like me– a straight, white male– wrong. Well, I’ve got news for you: America is a free country. I’m allowed to voice my opinion, whatever it may be. It just so happens that this opinion is not supported by factual evidence. However, even if it were, and I were to argue that Jimmy Carter is still alive, it’s just an opinion. Last time I checked, the millennial thought police don’t have jurisdiction over opinions, thank you very much.

I mean, George H.W. Bush is dead. That’s a fact. It just makes sense that all presidents before him would be dead as well. That’s how it works with kings. Opinions should be based on facts and inferences such as these. Additionally, why would Jimmy Carter even want to be alive? What does he have to offer? What is the value of a person who has already disappointed an entire nation by living impressively long? This issue isn’t black and white, but these questions have led me to believe that Jimmy Carter is dead. I know that by holding this opinion, I’m upsetting many people who may have liked Jimmy Carter or believed him to be alive. I’m prepared to defend myself against all criticism.

You guys remember Bob Dylan? Sean Connery? Yasuhiro Nakasone? I would argue that those guys are not alive either. Philosophical and biological questions have blurred the line of what constitutes life, but I am positive that these people, and at the very least Jimmy Carter, are dead.