Opinion: Stealing Is Morally Wrong Unless It’s From The Hilltop Shop
The Hilltop Shop is essential to surviving on the Hill. Need laundry detergent? Cheeto Puffs? A month-old refrigerated sandwich? You go to the Hilltop Shop. […]
Murmurs & Rants
‘Banana Peel Killer’ Sentenced to Death by Wet Floor
BAKERSFIELD, CA — On Wednesday, serial murderer Anabel Pane, labeled the ‘Banana Peel Killer’ on social media due to her unconventional, cartoonish methods, received an […]
Opinion: We Give Up, Wrap Your Own Spotify
What the hell do you want from us? Do you know how annoying you sound in our DMs right now? “Oh, when’s Wrapped coming out? […]
Trend Watch: Balls Piercing
Ears, bellybuttons, noses, nipples, and tongues. All places people of all genders and body types can get a piercing and slut the fuck out. However, […]
Opinion: I Need To Fuck Someone With A Scooter
Look, I’m over it. UCLA is basically an Olympic endurance course disguised as an academic institution. From walking up Bruin Walk to climbing the Death […]
Opinion: Election Day Is Less Exciting Now That I’m Not In Eighth-Grade History Class
Picture this: It’s 2016, Harambe just died, an app called Musical.ly was taking the world by storm, and there’s one thing that everyone is asking: […]
Bomb Shelter Subway Whistleblowers Gone Missing
WESTWOOD — Several whistleblowers who spoke up about price gouging and moldy ingredients at the Bomb Shelter Subway have recently been reported missing. “For so […]
Twelve Bike Cops Injured, Two Dead After Attempt To Arrest Ackerman Flood
WESTWOOD — After Ackerman and half of campus has been flooded, the leader of UCLA’s bicycle strike force is being blamed for its failure to […]
Opinion: Week Two Is Over, I Can Finally Drop The Mask And Start Skipping Classes
Well, it’s finally here. Week Two. I attended just enough class to know which professor is serious about attendance policies. I’ve dropped all my 8 […]
New Study Shows This Other Gorilla Seriously Starting To Piss Me Off
CENTRAL AFRICA — A new study from the jungle has found that this other gorilla is seriously starting to piss me off. “Stop copying me!” […]