Month: January 2016
Pita Chips Just An Excuse To Eat 7 Oz Of Hummus
LOS ANGELES — Local woman Evita Jacobs confirmed last Friday that the bag of pita chips she had purchased was just an excuse to eat […]
Discriminatory Grading Policy Favors Students That Work Harder
WESTWOOD—Allegations of widespread discrimination favoring harder-working students in the University of California system arose Monday. “Not only are certain students more likely to get higher […]
Local Motorist Turns Left NOW!
WESTWOOD—After several moments of deep, pensive internal debate, local woman Ann Campbell has decided that right now, with a red light and several pedestrians blocking […]
Area Woman Shazams DMV Hold Music
LOS ANGELES — Citing the incredible variety of smooth jazz that she heard while on hold for nearly 45 minutes today, local woman Susan Foreman […]
Historians Uncover Plato’s “About The Author”
ATHENS, GREECE—Historians identified an original copy of Plato’s self-drafted “About the Author” on Thursday that provides an intimate glimpse into the late philosopher’s personal life. […]
Fire In Boelter, Everyone Gets Lost And Dies
WESTWOOD—The Los Angeles Fire Department confirmed earlier this week that there were no survivors of the massive fire that broke loose in Boelter Hall. “It […]
Op-Ed: Global Warming Will Put Florida Underwater. Oh No.
Experts predict that global warming will cause the sea level to rise three to six feet over the next century, putting at least a third […]
Teen Spends Hours Trying On Different Personalities
PORTLAND, OR—Posing in front of her bedroom mirror, 15-year-old Kaitlyn Howard tried on 72 different personalities in the span of five hours. “I like to […]
ISIS Appalled By NRA’s Lack Of Regard For Human Life
RAQQA, SYRIA — In a video that surfaced this last Thursday, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi appears to condemn the National Rifle Association (NRA), citing […]