UN Classifies One Floor Elevator Rides As War Crime

WESTWOOD — This afternoon, the UN passed a resolution to reclassify one-floor elevator trips from a low-level faux pas to a fully fledged war crime. “Approximately 1.5 elevators break down every minute on this campus. We could either start paying to fix them all in a timely manner, or we could imprison students who abuse their fellow man by using them for trips between one or two floors,” said Chancellor Gene Block as he pressed the upward elevator button on the first floor of Murphy Hall. “The next able-bodied student seen using the elevator from the first floor to get to their dorm on the second is going to be tied to the Bruin Bear and left to weather the elements as a warning for prospective students. I don’t care how much laundry the accused may or may not be carrying, the UN said we could do it, so we’re doing it.” The interview halted abruptly as Block exited the elevator on the third floor to head to a meeting about campus parking permits.