WASHINGTON—The U.S. is declining in several metrics of social progress, found a Pew Research Study, but is still number 1 in annihilating ass. According to some metrics from the study, the United States ranks 39th in basic education and 70th in health, but tops the list in kicking some fucking ass.
“By many standards the United States is simply not keeping pace with other developed nations,” said economist John Bennett, head of the study. “But on the bright side, our study indicated that the U.S. has always been and will continue to be number 1 in tearing a new one. We leave no ass unkicked.”
The study indicated that the U.S. had problems in various specific social metrics, like more gun deaths than any other developed country. Some of these problems are indicative that the U.S. “is losing its competitive touch,” stated Bennett. “But we have death drones that shoot missiles at terrorists. Let me repeat that. We have killer flying robots that explode people we don’t like.”
“Sure, the fact that the U.S. is 23rd in internet access might be worrisome to some people,” noted Samantha Young, a fellow researcher on the study, “But honestly it’s not a particular bother to me. Preliminary findings indicate that we are number one in being some serious badasses.” To emphasize her point, Young gestured at a graph that appeared to actually be a picture of a handgun shooting a terrorist in the face. “There are no serious competitors amongst the developed countries in this metric. Okay, so the Japanese have a higher life expectancy, but can they destroy assholes on our scale? No way, Jose!” Jose was unavailable for comment.
Despite admitting statistics like the U.S. being ranked 23rd in gender equality among developed countries, Young was adamant on her stance. “The fact is, our military spending outpaces the next 10 countries combined. That is some serious Grade-A firepower right there. Other nations’ assholes wither and pucker before our might.”
A simple fix to America’s declining competitive advantage remains uncertain. From the study’s conclusion:
“Despite traditional beliefs still held by the American people, the United States is quantifiably no longer the top by many standards. We can either begin advocating policy change and reform in our government, ending gridlock and paving the way for a better future, or we can accept the fact that no matter what, the United States leads the world in slaying major ass. Seriously, flying killer robots. Suck on that.”