PORTLAND, OR — Afraid of butchering the pronunciation of his dinner order and making a fool of himself in front of friends, fellow diners, and the cute waitress serving his table at DiCenzo’s Ristorante Italiano early Wednesday evening, local man Kevin Fuller reportedly opted for more easily-pronounceable menu items over ones that he actually found appetizing. “I got the bread and meatballs because I knew I could say them confidently without sounding like an uncultured dope. But what I really wanted to order, because mushrooms are my favorite food, was this,” said Fuller, pointing at the “Tagliatelle alla Boscaiola” before disclosing even more menu items his unfamiliarity with Italian phonology prevented him from enjoying. “Even some of these less-daunting looking ones are hard to pronounce. Is it penne like the writing instrument, or penne like the one-cent piece? I don’t know how to say it, and I guess I’ll never know what it tastes like either.” Fuller went on to say that he vows to become completely fluent in every language before ever eating out again.
