RIVERSIDE, CA—Citing a new study by the Institute of New Era Insight, UC Riverside Chancellor Kim [man] A. Wilcox declared that students born in the year 1900 are smarter than students today. The chancellor also stated that due to the length of the human life, many of those students are also dead. “Study after study after study has shown that the students of today don’t actually study. Back in the heyday of the ’20s, students read maps and could talk about Indian—I mean British— politics, but now they just stare at their phones all the time. Unfortunately, the good ones are all gone. Now, we have what we have, so we’re just going to have to work with that,” said Wilcox. “In a way, slumped shoulders and short attention spans are a good thing. Not being well read is almost a requirement in some industries. I say that because I’m an optimist. I was born in 1954. There’s not too many of us around now either.”