GENEVA — Since the beginning of Starbucks’ announced “War on Christmas” last week, thousands of red solo cups have left their homeland in fear of discrimination and persecution. “We’re seeing a lot of these poor red solo cups being confused with those sacrilegious new holiday coffee cups, prompting them to travel by boat and foot for a more stable place of refuge,” explained Mikhail Wagner, chair of the United Nations Refugee Agency. Carried out by religious extremists, the War on Christmas has threatened the international system as countries struggle to respond to the resulting migration crisis. “Some countries are able to accept migrants free of constraint, while others are blatantly violating the Schmegen Doctrine,” said Wagner, “Oh wait, sorry. I meant Schengen Doctrine; the name is just misspelled on this cup.” At press time, experts concluded that the best asylum opportunity for the displaced red solo cups would be fraternity houses.
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Interim Editor-In-Chief, Full Time Smart-Ass