Academic Weapon Commits To Pacifism
WESTWOOD – In a press release sent out at 2 a.m. today, second-year neuroscience major Pri Medd announced she would officially be laying down her […]
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Surprise! Student Without Any Dreams Or Passion Goes Into Consulting
WESTWOOD — In a decision that has sent shockwaves across the nation, a student devoid of any personality or soul has decided to pursue consulting. […]
Local Hero At Kerckhoff Watching Everyone’s Stuff
WESTWOOD — Second-year economics major Joshua Wadams has been hailed as a local hero following his efforts to simultaneously look after the personal belongings of […]
4th Year Philosophy Student Incapable Of Producing Original Thought
WESTWOOD — After years of studying nothing but theory, fourth year Philosophy student Mark Li had to be informed that he was incapable of producing […]
Student Realizes Quarantine Not The Problem
WESTWOOD — After skipping her first week of in-person classes to lie in bed and watch YouTube videos about 16th century ship-building techniques, third-year Cognitive […]
Occasional Affirmation Just Enough To Sustain Professor/Student Fantasy
WESTWOOD — An offhand affirmation recently imparted by UCLA biochemistry professor Keith Abrams to one of his students was just enough to sustain the delusional fantasy […]
Student Finds Roommate’s Bong Or Dildo, Not Sure Which
WESTWOOD — Stating he felt “extreme terror” and “penetrating feelings of fear,” third year sociology major Jason Schwartz claims to have found a hollow glass […]
Employer Impressed By Student’s Overqualification
LOS ANGELES—Following a thorough investigation of his resume, along with a brief interview with the student in question, local employer and head of A&R Consulting […]