WASHINGTON, D. C. — After learning that President Donald Trump will be appointing another Supreme Court Justice, Ruth Bader Ginsburg has announced that she will be embarking on a quest for eternal youth. “I will accomplish what Ponce de León, Gilgamesh, and Lord Voldemort all failed to do” the 85-year-old justice explained while brandishing a rusty machete. “I’ve been training for months to prepare for an expedition to the Fountain of Youth,” she continued. “Plus, I could really use a vacation right now.” At press time, Merrick Garland asked if he could hold her seat while she was navigating through the Yucatán jungle.
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