Report: Male Pattern Baldness Also Extends To Pubes

SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA — A recent report found that 70% of balding men also reported hair loss in the pubic region. “For a lot of us, the carpets do match the drapes,” said participant Bruce Johnson, inconspicuously slathering Rogaine on his crotch. “I’ve tried everything—comb-overs, hats, wigs, pants, lying. At this point, I’ve been thinking of just embracing it. Take it all off, y’know?” At press time, researchers stated that studies are also in progress regarding whether bald men truly are hotter or if shaving just makes heads “look bigger” proportionally.