UCLA Threatens To Leak Social Security Numbers If USC Wins (On Purpose This Time)

WESTWOOD — In a joint statement released today, Chip Kelly, Martin Jarmond, and Gene Block threatened to purposefully leak the entire UCLA student body’s social security numbers onto the dark web if USC football wins on Saturday. “People seemed pretty annoyed last time their social security numbers got leaked, and we thought our boys needed a little extra push,” said Block, who was attempting to explain to the school’s cybersecurity contractors that they may soon no longer need to pretend to work. “If we win, we get increased engagement and impressed donors. If we lose, we won’t even have to leak that many numbers, because we didn’t really recover them last time anyway! And the best part is that the publicity might attract more international students, who don’t even have social security numbers to worry about!” By press time, 95% of students had already deleted the email detailing the threat without reading it.