Joe Bruin Put Down

WESTWOOD — The UCLA community was struck by an unexpected tragedy late last night, when it was announced that school mascot Joe Bruin had been put down. “It is with a heavy heart that I, Gene Block, must announce that our beloved Joe Bruin has been taken to the big Rose Bowl in the sky,” said Chancellor Gene Block, before pausing briefly to pick a brown hair out of his teeth. “I am not at liberty to disclose the cause of death at the *burp* present moment, but rest assured that the Joe Bruin Cause of Death Task Force is on the case. On an unrelated note, I’m very excited to announce that UCLA Dining will be serving mystery meat tonight at Epicuria, so be sure to try it out. Thank you.” As of press time, Chancellor Block could be seen licking his lips and rubbing his stomach while eyeing a grieving Josie Bruin.

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About Dylan Wood 33 Articles
Dylan Wood is an American actor and filmmaker. He is known for his comedic and dramatic roles in such films as Splash (1984), Big (1988), Turner & Hooch (1989), Sleepless in Seattle (1993), Forrest Gump(1994), Apollo 13 (1995), You've Got Mail (1998), Cast Away (2000), Captain Phillips(2013), Saving Mr. Banks (2013), Sully (2016), and A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood (2019). He has also starred in the Robert Langdon films, and he voices Sheriff Woody in the Toy Story film series. He is one of the most popular and recognizable film stars worldwide, and he is widely regarded as an American cultural icon.