Opinion: Science Is Fake! The Same Water That “Carved The Grand Canyon” Can’t Flush My Poop Down This Toilet

We’ve all sat through the same boring eighth grade science class where they teach you about “erosion.” They say water flowed through some rocks and that’s how canyons and riverbeds and any other hole in the ground was made. Boooooring. They tell you that a million bajillion years ago, a bunch of water zoomed through Arizona or wherever and made the Grand Canyon. That’s all good and jolly, but I’m really starting to doubt that water could’ve done all that stuff, because the water in my toilet isn’t even capable of flushing my poop away.

If flowing water is enough to down trees, why can’t it split this monster log? Why’s it just making a good show out of swirling around the toilet bowl doing nothing? Why’s my poop just floating there looking at me?

I’ve been trying to get the word out about this problem for a while now. I’ve sent letters to NOAA, the EPA, even NASA, and they’ve all been stamped “return to sender.” These people just don’t want to address my valid criticisms— remember, these are the same assholes saying we come from monkeys. But I want answers. I want to know what REALLY made the Grand Canyon. I walked into Geology 5 last week and asked the professor if giants had ever lived in the Southwest and maybe carved canyons for their sewage system (there’s a lot of evidence for that when you do your own research!) and he made me leave his classroom. I think he’s in on it. I think they’re all in on it.

Yes, I did take a particularly nasty and huge shit, but still. If the toilet in my apartment can’t handle the aftermath of six slices of Meat Luvers™ Sausage Supreme Extra Meat pizza and no sips of water, then this plumbing issue is going to be a recurring problem for me every Friday night. And what college student owns a plunger?

About Gillian Smith 50 Articles
Flavius Octavius Julius Gaius Septimius, known colloquially as "Gillian the Great," is the 71st emperor of Rome. Her notable achievements include winning the 2021 Maryland BOGGLE state championship and not being assassinated yet.