On-Campus Squirrels Now Required To Purchase Meal Plan

WESTWOOD — UCLA Dining made the controversial decision Monday to require on-campus squirrels to purchase a meal plan. “We make all the other on-campus students do it. Why should they be the exception?” explained Head of Dining James D. Ining in an interview with the Enabler. “This has nothing to do with us needing money! It’s about the ethics.”

Local squirrel expert Monica Rodent, PhD, weighed in. “Squirrels generally eat nuts, acorns, and other scraps. I’m not sure a dining hall will be able to meet their dietary accommodations unless some major changes are made.” There are reportedly talks among dining staff of adding squirrel-sized buffet stations and sending extra “food” to accommodate expected traffic increases at BPlate.

Protests have erupted among the squirrel population, who claim that “foraging” and “scavenging” are viable alternatives to a meal plan. They also cite a lack of available on-campus job options to support the newly imposed financial burden. The head of squirrels, Jason, stated, “this is not necessarily a peaceful protest. We are willing to use our claws.”

As this is an evolving situation, please follow the Enabler for updates.