WESTWOOD, CA – The UCLA Police Department arrested over a dozen sculptures in the Franklin D. Murphy Sculpture Garden Sunday on charges of indecent exposure. Police were alerted to the lewd exposition after receiving several complaints from Garden visitors. “I have had it up to here with the rampant sexuality in our society!” stated Garden-frequenter Wilma Patterson, leveling her hand two whole inches above the elastic on her high-waisted mom jeans.
Upon arrival at the scene, authorities were greeted with sights of bare breasts, naked buttocks, and if-you-squint-hard-enough-it-kind-of-resembles genitalia. “I’ve never seen anything like it before,” said rookie Officer Nick McClane. “This is my first day. I’ve never seen anything before, period. Can you hold my gun for a sec? I forgot my holster, and I need to put my riot helmet on.”
Officers were forced to enter the Murphy Sculpture Garden in full tactical gear after receiving a tip that some of the sculptures were armed. “Riots, shootouts, loitering. We like to put on the tactical gear as much as possible,” said veteran UCLA PD officer Donald Snodgrass. “It just looks fuckin’ dope.”
Police were surprised to find though, that none of the offenders was actually in possession of firearms. “When the caller said that some of the statues were armed, what she was trying to say was that only some of the suspects actually had arms,” explained Snodgrass. “Some of these sculptures were the most unarmed figures I’d ever seen. It was just shoulder, then nothing. I was like ‘Put your hands where I can see them’, and it was just like ‘Nope, not going to happen’.”
Non-compliance with police commands was a common theme during Sunday’s arrest as officers found much difficulty in detaining the indecent sculptures. Said UCLA PD Sergeant Julio Martinez: “These sculptures, man. They were alright with ‘Freeze’. They were actually pretty good at that, and they let us handcuff them. But when it came to getting them into the squad cars, they just weren’t having it.” All of the arrested sculptures, face an additional charge of resisting arrest to go along with the indecent exposure charge. “We tried everything: pepper spray, Tasers, offering them a free “ride along”. They wouldn’t budge an inch.” Police were eventually forced to call in an excavator to dig the sculptures out of the garden. The success of the excavator in this severe case has prompted police to consider its use in future arrests of resistant criminals.
According to North Campus historians, naked statues have plagued Murphy Sculpture Garden since its founding in 1967. When asked why this instance of public indecency had never before been addressed, UCLA Chief of Police Wally Granger responded, “PD patrols usually don’t reach that far north. Our offices are located right across the street from Ronald Reagan Medical Center on Charles E. Young Drive South. So, our patrols usually start there and extend about a half mile south to Stan’s Donuts. That’s where we generally find the most delici…er, delinquents in the Westwood area.”
After meeting privately with the press, Chief Granger issued a public statement following Sunday’s incident: “The indecent exposure problem on this campus is one that will no longer be overlooked. I’ll admit that the UCLA police department was unaware of this problem and thus was unprepared for this type of crime. And because of it, we lost a lot of good men today to raging boners and severe blood loss from anime-style nose bleeds. But rest assured, the UCLA PD will work its hardest to stamp out these au naturel occurrences.”
Murphy Sculpture Garden visitors and inhabitants alike are happy that the obscene nudity problem has finally been handled. Remarked 4th year Psychology major Tara Pell: “I don’t know what those sculptures were thinking being here undressed like that. It’s like ‘where’s your head at, man?’” Sources tell The Enabler that the sculptures are also unaware of where their heads are at.
“People are here with their noses buried in books. People are here taking naps,” continued Pell. “Don’t let it all hang out where all these people can see. Well, I’m just glad that’s not an issue anymore.” When asked for her views on the situation, Murphy local and fully-clothed sculpture, Noble Burdens stated: “…” ❖