WESTWOOD, CA — 7 time Grammy Award-winning alt-rocker Alanis Morissette revealed to reporters late Friday night that the backlog of words created from falling behind on her “Word of the Day” calendar was no more. “Word of the Day” calendars provide users with a new word to learn each day, and it is customary of users to try to use that new word at least once in conversation. As a result of her own troubles with the calendar, Morissette was forced to make changes to her original Gershwin Award acceptance speech.
“[The Gershwin Award] is such a huge honor, and for something that big, I really wanted to deliver a worthy acceptance speech. So, I spent the last six days straight working on it,” explained Morissette. “I was so focused on the speech, though, that the calendar totally slipped my mind. I fell behind, and when I realized that I had about a week’s worth of words to catch up on, I immediately scrapped my previous speech and pumped out a new one including all the calendar words I’d neglected to use. Learning these words is something I hold very dear, and as I said in my speech, education is just so, so important to me.”
In her acceptance speech, Morissette flaunted her newly acquired vocabulary with mentions of “psychotheropathiscopy”, “neurobiologevolutionarism”, and “art” as some things that in some way have to do with UCLA. She also went on to express her gratitude to all of her fans, including the students of UCLA exclaiming, “I love you! I love you all! All of you: I love! The thing that I have for all of you is the love that I have that you all receive! My love!” before being dragged from off stage by a trio of Company members.
A Gershwin Award acceptance speech proved not to be an ideal opportunity to catch up on one’s “Word of the Day” calendar, however, as thousands in Pauley Pavilion found themselves perplexed by the complex ideas and corresponding jargon implemented by Morissette. “I don’t think you’re supposed to mindfuck someone the moment you meet them,” said 3rd year Business Economics major Kalli Denver. “Maybe mind-date them first. Treat them to a mind-movie and a mind-dinner. Ask them about their mind-passions and mind-hobbies. Get to mind-know them. Don’t just mind-stick-it-in right away!”
When told of the audience’s bewildered reaction and asked what the message she was actually trying to convey was, Morissette simply replied, “You oughta know.”