WESTWOOD – Yesterday morning, police were called to UCLA’s dormitories after a student woke up in terror. The student, whose name cannot be revealed for security purposes, awoke to a clown above his bed holding a knife. The clown, bearing a striking resemblance to Bozo the Clown, had wedged itself in the cupboard above the student’s loft bed. The student awoke due to a mysterious knocking noise above his head. When he opened his eyes, the clown was directly in front of him, ready to strike.
“It’s extremely worrisome,” remarked Officer Hudley of the UCPD. “The student had received an email with the subject ‘FWD: fw: fwd: FW: Forward: FORWARD: FWD: The Secrets to Life!!!’ in his student email. Along with some standard chain letter mumbo jumbo about love and the afterlife, it included a warning that unless you forward the email to ten people, a clown will appear over your bed with a knife while you’re sleeping. Normally this is hogwash, but I guess this clown was serious.”
The clown is believed to be a part of the Association of Killer Clowns, or the AKC. While most chain emails are harmless, the AKC selects a few emails each year to follow and act upon. Any emails that contain risk of death, harm to a loved one, or appearances of killer clowns should be forwarded in order to reduce the risk of an AKC-registered clown ruining one’s life.
The student whose life was threatened is currently in Ronald Reagan Medical Center to recover from psychological harm. In the case that one finds themselves in a similar situation, the UCPD recommends screaming in terror and making feeble attempts to defend oneself before calling 9-1-1.
“This kid is lucky that his roommate was there,” concluded Officer Hudley, “otherwise, who knows who would have called 9-1-1? Definitely not the kid. He was too busy shitting his pants. Literally. It was pretty gross.”
If you or a loved one is in danger of being stalked by the AKC, the UCPD recommends starting your own chain letter to offset any possible tragedy. ❖
