SAN QUENTIN, CA — Danny Feroz, a notorious California hitman convicted of 12 homicides, was stabbed to death in the cafeteria of San Quentin State Prison Monday and is predicted to never offend again. “You know, people are always bitching about the prison system, and saying it’s inhumane and shit and don’t even work. Well, that sonbitch [sic] ain’t never gonna offend no more,” prison guard Tyson Brown stated while mopping up the blood from Feroz’s lacerated gut. “He’s completely reformed, entirely new man. I bet he even found God, and if that ain’t proof of our prison system doing its job, I ain’t sure what is.” Prison authorities reported that Feroz’s murderer was also unlikely to repeat his offense, as Feroz’s gang slit the perpetrator’s throat ten minutes later.