WASHINGTON — In a stunning turn of events, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R – KY) has been confirmed as the true biological father of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
This revelation arrived amidst a sea of controversy: earlier this week, Bowser of the Mario Universe sought to prove his alleged relation to the Turtles by filing a paternity suit. However, Mr. McConnell’s and Mr. Bowser’s DNA were switched due to a logistical error, and McConnell’s DNA was found to match that of the Turtles.
An anonymous source close to the senator speculated that McConnell’s DNA was in the system due to an ongoing paternity case between him and the Dr. Seuss character, Yertle the Turtle.
The clinic in question, Mauryshow Labs, is currently undergoing an internal investigation to determine culpability for the mix-up.
“Alright, I’m gonna say this one last time,” said Dr. Harry Balzac, Chief of Medicine at Mauryshow Labs, when asked about the status of the investigation. “My name’s not Harry Balzac and I’m not a doctor. I just went in to use the bathroom. Please stop contacting me and my family.”
Despite Dr. Balzac’s claims to the contrary, many feel that the clinic should be held legally responsible for the unrequested disclosure of such confidential personal information.
“I want those stupid science bitches to pay!” said Raphael, one of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. “This is humiliating — McConnell embodies everything evil about the Republican establishment. We can’t go anywhere now without people giving us weird looks, like we’re some kind of freaky mutants or something.”
“Honestly, I’d rather be Bowser’s kid. Fuck it, I’d even rather be Wario’s kid, genetically high cholesterol be damned. Actually, I take that back — fuck Wario, and fuck Mitch McConnell. Ugh, I need to go angrily tweet now.”
Mr. McConnell could not be reached for comment because at the first sight of reporters, the senator withdrew his head back into his shell and refused to come out, not even when tempted with some lettuce and a bill repealing Obamacare.