Marco Rubio Forges Doctor’s Note To Get Senate Absences Excused

WASHINGTON, DC — Following months of missed votes and prolonged periods of absences from his Senate duties, Marco Rubio reportedly handed Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell what appears to be a forged doctor’s note. “Please excuse Marco’s absences these past several months, as he had a stomach ache and wasn’t feeling well enough to attend Senate meetings,” read the note, which many are disputing, claiming that they’re almost certain they saw Senator Rubio in three televised debates during this time period. “Marco is feeling much better now and is able to attend to his job, although he may get sick again in a few days, so please excuse any further absences as well. Regards, ‘The Doctor’.” At press time, Rubio was trying to maneuver a way to explain his low polling numbers to his disappointed, but unsurprised parents.

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Area Man. Freelance fraternity president. Aspiring father of two. Probable future Nobel laureate. Occasionally collude with Russia.