SECTOR 81-B, MARS — A group of Martian researchers have launched a probe designed to search for traces of water on Central Californian soil, according to a press release from the Martian Aeronautics and Space Administration (MASA).
The probe is equipped with a state-of-the-art chemical analyzer sensitive enough to detect even microscopic amounts of water. However, preliminary scans of the Central Californian terrain have turned up negative.
“We can’t find a single trace of water anywhere,” said MASA researcher Dr. Heliox Zorgon. “As far as we can tell, the entire region is some kind of barren desert wasteland.”
While Zorgon and his team have not yet ruled out the possibility of water in Central California, these early findings could spell trouble for Martian agricultural interests. The Almond Farmers of Mars (AFM) recently announced plans to expand Mars’ burgeoning almond farming industry into Central California by the year 2016. However, in light of MASA’s recent findings, this could prove to be impossible.
“Central California simply can’t sustain the same scale of almond farming that takes place here on Mars,” said AFM spokesperson Veelba Phoxys. “In fact, I don’t see how it could sustain any almond farming at all. Seriously, the place looks like it crawled out of the ninth circle of drought hell.”
Despite these initial setbacks, Dr. Zorgon has continued to push for more funding for his research. He hopes that his work will inspire young Martians to take an interest in science and keep learning about the world around them.
“I think every kid dreams of becoming an astronaut and exploring new worlds full of state prisons, dirty strip malls, and run-down Burger Kings that smell like five different bodily fluids,” said Zorgon. “And I’ve got a feeling that Central California might prove to be where all of those dreams can come true.” ❖