Impossible Foods Announces New Plant-Based Bananas

SAN FRANCISCO — Following the success of their Impossible Burger, vegan foodstuff maker Impossible Foods, Inc. announced Thursday a new line of 100% plant-based bananas. “The Impossible Banana is our most advanced meat alternative yet,” said company spokesperson Timothée Possible, adding that the price will be an “impossibly low” $5.99 per banana. “Our prototype was the result of thousands of years of genetic modification through selective breeding—a delectably sweet and creamy crescent-shaped snack with a peelable holster that fits right in the palm of your hand. Then we made it even more plant-based by recreating it with a proprietary blend of xanthan gum, 25I-NBOMe, and artificial banana flavoring.” At press time, local meat-eaters expressed concern that the product looked kind of like a penis.

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About Brandon Wang 1 Article
Brandon Wang lives in Westwood with his adopted son Macaulay Culkin. His hobbies include enabling.