“I Do My Own Research,” Says Aaron Rodgers On Why He Never Wins In Playoffs

GREEN BAY — Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers expressed in a recent interview that, similar to his stances on masks and the COVID-19 vaccines, he also does his own research before choking in the playoffs. “Believe me, I have read hundreds of pages of notes and watched countless hours of film, and I still don’t get what this whole ‘winning’ thing is all about,” said Rodgers, taking off his jersey to reveal a lab coat underneath. “At this point, I’ve been out of the Super Bowl for so long that I can’t even taste it. Oh no, I can’t taste it!” At press time, Rodgers had also declared that he will no longer be wearing helmets during games due to inconclusive evidence that head trauma is bad.

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Arman Abrishamchian is the human equivalent of "if the sun is so hot, why is space cold?" That was rhetorical, nerd. I prefer ignorance.