Despondent Bruin Republicans Plan Inflammatory Events Just To Feel Something, Anything

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Efforts to come up with events seemed to leave the students even more exhausted and emotionless.
Efforts to come up with ideas seemed to leave the students even more exhausted and emotionless.

WESTWOOD—Bitter and desensitized by the current state of the GOP, a group of disillusioned Bruin Republicans gathered in Haines today where they pitched a series of increasingly offensive event ideas in hopes that one of them would shock them out of the monotonous routine of existence. “How about we sell cupcakes and write ‘trans people don’t exist’ all over them?” said third-year John Wenstrom, in what sources described as a “thinly-veiled cry for help.” “The blowback from that would be tremendous. Or… or we could just invite Rush Limbaugh to yell at some random Haitian kid for thirty minutes. Yeah, that would be good… yeah…” At press time, several members of the club could be seen scrolling through old Facebook albums, grieving over glory days of conservatism, before becoming inebriated and picking fights with random passerby over women’s health issues.